Why do people ghost, and how do those who stop replying feel? Research from the Haas School of Business at the University of California, Berkeley, and Cambridge Judge Business School looked at the phenomenon from its least-studied side: not the person ignored, but the one doing the ignoring. The result, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, is that those left without a reply underestimate how bad the other person feels.

The study at a glance

The authors, Sophia Li, Coral Zheng and Juliana Schroeder, define ghosting as the moment a person suddenly stops replying to another, without explanation. They observed it in three different ways:

195 participants recalled a real experience of ghosting, as ghoster or ghostee;
601 participants imagined a broken-off conversation, in the shoes of the one going silent or the one waiting;
350 participants took part in a live interaction in which ghosting was induced during the experiment;
in all three cases the comparison is between how the silent person feels and how the waiting person imagines it.

The shared conclusion is clear in its direction, even if it doesn't measure absolute intensity: those who are ignored tend to believe the other person is fine, while those who stopped replying report feeling worse than imagined.

Why people ghost: it's often not a cold choice

The common image of someone who disappears is of an indifferent person. The study suggests a different picture. According to the authors, the gap between what one feels and what the other imagines is wider when the ghosting is unintentional: a message left hanging, a busy week, a reply postponed until it becomes awkward to give.

It's worth keeping in mind because it changes how silence is read. Those who go quiet haven't always decided to end things: sometimes they haven't found the moment, or the words, and the discomfort grows precisely as time passes.

Silence is a message, even when we don't mean it to be

In non-verbal communication it's said that it is impossible not to communicate. Silence falls under this rule: whoever is waiting for a reply interprets it, and usually interprets it in the least favourable way. They think they said something wrong, that they've been judged, that they don't matter.

The study adds one element: the waiting person's interpretation also concerns the other's state of mind, and it tends to be wrong. Silence is read as detachment, while for the silent person it is often struggle or guilt. Two people experience the same void in opposite ways, and neither of them knows it.

A short reply changes the perception

The most practical finding concerns alternatives to silence. According to the research, the gap narrows when the communicator doesn't see their own behaviour as ghosting or when, instead of disappearing, they send a short reply, such as “sorry, I can't talk right now”.

It's a simple, valuable pointer outside private life too. At work, ghosting takes many forms:

the application or interview that gets no feedback;
the quote sent to a client who stops replying;
a colleague's email left without follow-up;
a team member's message you'll answer “as soon as possible”.

In each of these cases a few clear words cost less than silence, both to the person receiving them and to the one writing them.

What the way we end a conversation says about us

The study should be read with some limits in mind: it measures feelings reported by people, on numerical scales, and some of the scenarios are imagined. It doesn't say how widespread ghosting is, nor whether it applies equally in every context. It does, however, highlight something useful: the gap between how we feel and how others perceive us.

For anyone looking after their professional image this is a central theme. The way you close a conversation, even with a no or a postponement, stays in the other person's memory as much as the way you opened it. A short reply, a kind tone, a stated time frame (“I'll get back to you by Friday”) convey respect and reliability, without the need for long explanations.

Giving shape to silences too

Knowing why people ghost isn't meant to justify it, but to replace it with something better. The Berkeley and Cambridge research shows that those who stop replying often feel worse than we think, and that a short sentence is enough to reduce the misunderstanding on both sides.

CG Imagine's Com-On programme works on exactly this: tone, timing and non-verbal signals, silences included, so that what you feel matches what others perceive, even when the reply is just “I can't right now, I'll write tomorrow”.